Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
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I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
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So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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