I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
