just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
