I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
