I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
