Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I am mentally ready for anal.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
