How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
God, I missed his penis.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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