3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
