I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
