Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
