I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
