I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
