Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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