Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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