Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
