Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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