Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
