4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
