So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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