He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
