I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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