I am puke
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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