got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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