did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
