I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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