Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
