so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
