U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
