There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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