never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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