Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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