I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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