dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
