she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
