it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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