Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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