dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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