I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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