Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just gift wrapped bread.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
