last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
