I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
