Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
