You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
We need a shit load of segways right now
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
