wanna go halves on a baby?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
