Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
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As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
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She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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