I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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