I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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