Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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