So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
