I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
