I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
