FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
